(attraction, icks and everything in-between)
It starts with a spark. Maybe it’s the way they say your name. Maybe it’s eye contact across a crowded room. Or maybe it’s just the fact they actually texted back (low bar, we know).
But somewhere between the butterflies and the brunch dates, things can shift. What was once a big turn on becomes a huge turn off. The way they slurp coffee. The way they “don’t believe in labels.” The way they leave every emotional labour task up to you.
Attraction isn’t static, it ebbs, it flows, it readjusts. Especially in long term relationships, where comfort can occasionally give way to complacency.
So let’s talk about turn ons and turn offs in a relationship. What really gets people going, what quietly (or loudly) kills the vibe, and why none of it means you're broken, just human.
What turns men on?
If you’ve ever typed what turns guys on into Google after an ambiguous hookup, welcome. You're not alone. But the truth is, men aren’t as mystery-coded as the internet makes them seem.
Here are a few common relationship turn ons that men often cite (besides the obvious):
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Emotional connection: Yes, even for the ones who struggle to say what they feel. Feeling understood and emotionally safe can be one of the biggest turn on’s for men, especially in relationships that go beyond the surface.
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Confidence: Not the performative, “I’m totally fine” kind, the self-assured, knows-what-they-like, takes-up-space kind. Men love when someone owns their wants (and their no’s).
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Playfulness: Teasing, laughing mid-kiss, dancing in the kitchen, joy is a huge turn on.
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Paying attention: Remembering small things. Noticing body language. Asking follow-up questions. A well-timed compliment on something they didn’t even know they were proud of? Big turn.
And yes, eye contact. Sustained, cheeky, or smouldering. Always a winner.
What is a turn on for women?
The phrase what is a turn on for women should probably come with a disclaimer: It depends. Because every woman is different. But research (and a million group chats) shows a few themes that seem to rise to the top:
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Feeling safe: This is baseline, not a bonus. If someone respects your personal space, your boundaries, and your emotional world, you’re more likely to let your guard (and your pants) down.
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Verbal communication: Whether it’s saying what they want, asking what you want, or giving a sincere compliment, words matter. Especially when they’re honest and present. When someone genuinely wants to get to know you it's incredibly hot.
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Initiative: Planning a date, picking the playlist, offering help without being asked. Major turn on.
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Vulnerability: When someone can be emotionally open without making it your job to fix them? Biggest turn on, period.
What are common turn offs?
We all have our personal icks, from running for a bus to weird DMs. But when it comes to relationships, here are 7 turn offs that show up again and again:
1. Plays the victim
Turning every disagreement into a sob story, deflecting responsibility, or guilt-tripping, this one’s emotionally draining and a classic red flag.
2. Lack of ambition
You don’t need to be a CEO or a five-year-plan type, but complete aimlessness? That’s a common relationship dampener, especially if you’re the one carrying all the energy.
3. Bad breath
It’s not deep, but it’s real. Sometimes the biggest turn off is entirely avoidable. Keep the mints handy.
4. Talking over you (or never asking questions)
Communication isn’t just about expressing, it’s about listening. Nothing dries up attraction faster than someone who dominates every conversation.
5. Not respecting boundaries
Whether it’s pushing physical intimacy or ignoring emotional cues, failing to set boundaries, or worse, steamrolling past them, is a major no-no.
6. Inconsistent effort
Hot one week, cold the next? That rollercoaster might feel exciting at first, but over time it screams emotional unavailability.
7. Disrespecting your independence
Whether it’s jealousy, control, or belittling your interests, if someone makes you feel small, the connection won't last.
Is it normal to get turned off in a relationship?
Completely. 100%. Absolutely.
Even in the healthiest of relationships, attraction can waver. A turn on from six months ago might feel like a turn off today, and that’s okay it doesn’t mean it’s a deal breaker. Long-term love isn’t about constant heat. It’s about being able to openly communicate when things cool off, and navigate desire with curiosity instead of shame.
Sometimes, it’s your body saying: “I need more from this connection.” Sometimes, it’s just hormones, stress, or the fact that they’re chewing too loud.
What matters is how you respond to those shifts. Can you name them? Can you talk about them? Can you both get curious about what’s changed?
Getting turned off isn’t the end. It’s an invitation to get honest.
TL;DR: Turn ons, turn offs, and the emotional fine print
Relationships are a living thing, they grow, they adapt, they need attention. What was once a big turn on might shift into a bigger turn off, and vice versa.
So if you’re wondering where the spark went, don’t panic. Ask questions. Revisit intimacy. Set boundaries. Laugh more. Take breaks. Reignite.
Because the real turn on? Is being in a relationship where you can be fully yourself, icks, desires, emotional chaos and all.
